Home coming for desi ‘patriots’

Recently when Omar Abdullah declared that he would turn Beerwah into a model constituency after turning Ganderbal into Singapore, Facebook jihadis lynched him with barrage of comments, smirks, abuses and lek lek. Had Zuckerberg added a Kangir in the list of emoticons, they would have thrown tot tot soor all over his face.  One of the Facebook jihadis wrote: “This putrid clump of dung mold is the sole reason for Kashmir’s downfall…” Another one said: “Even as a CM he could not take care of basic infrastructure development in Ganderbal”. And yet someone quipped: “Bas kar ab rulaya ga kya?” Most amusing comments were, of course, in Kashmiri language, like this one: “Trith waldi taas” (Apologies to Omar, this is quite difficult to translate. For better paraphrasing consult either All is Sagar or Ek Tha Lone).
Political analyst Mohammad Waseem, says, “Reading these heavy loaded comments one can understand why Omar prefers Twitter over Facebook. On Twitter he gets regular supply of Amul butter from his Indian followers and Kashmiri acolytes which keep him in good mental health.” Then can we say, twitter therapy is working well for baby Abdullah.
Reportedly, Mufti Sayeed has promised to keep Kashmir as a ‘crown of India’. He is believed to be working on special silver Tra’m on which this crown will be presented to his aeshnaav (political relatives) in Nagpur. Meanwhile, Mr Drabu has been dispatched to make Mufti’s aeshnaav understand what the trath isKasheer and how to use the alla dalla crown properly. Mufti has also announced that he will provide land from his property for a ‘composite township’ to rehabilitate among others the Bollywood Pandit Mr Anupam Kher, who has been lately suffering from acute siyasi parishh.
When I asked our Gul Kak if Kashmiri Pandits will return back, he replied after rubbing naas to his left-over teeth, “Hahaha! Are you kidding me! Do you expect Anupump Kharr to leave Bollywood and read news bulletin on DD Kashir!” Gul Kak’s wisdom is as famous as Farooq Abdullah’s disco dance, so let us wait and watch.
Last week a delegation of Association of Pro-India Kashmiris (APrIK) met some Sangh Parivar members in New Delhi. After submitting a memo the general secretary of APrIK, Mr Row-heal Khueshnaseeb (RK) requested that Certificate of Shudh Deshbakhti be issued to all the APrIK members so that they are not trolled by Sangh Parivar Bakhts on Internet anymore.
Speaking to the press RK said: “I feel sad when people label me as anti-national because of my being a Kashmiri. Didn’t they see how strongly I supported the Indian team and tweeted on every ball during the world cup games, yet they don’t trust me. I am APrIK, please”.
After the meeting, APrIK members were seen chanting: Sangh Sangh Jiyen Ge, Sangh Sangh Marenge. That such educated elite Kashmiris knocked on their door for Shudh Deshbakhti Certificate, Sangh Parivar must be really feeling proud.
Baby Abdullah was quick to tweet: nobody should question @RK and other @APrIK members on their Indian-ness. They are more Indian than NC-PDP combined. RK has reportedly re-tweeted it and sent pictures of spring flowers to Baby Abdullah as mark of thanks. Karan Johar has reportedly approached the duo for Dostana 3.
Speaking during the Sounth festival, one of the members of APrIK Mr. Khali Bag had said: “We are a tiny minority in Kashmir and we have always been a face-saving constituency for India, as such it is responsibility of the Indian state to provided us with a sense of security”.
When asked do they feel threatened in Kashmir, Khali Bag replied, “I don’t think we feel any threat from Kashmiris”.
“Then why do you need security”, asked a journalist.
“Because it is cool,” Khali Bag replied.
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Published in Kashmir Reader on 16 April 2015: http://www.kashmirreader.com/home-coming-for-desi-patriots/
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DYSFUNCTIONAL DIPLOMACY

Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Chutzpah had American legislators on their toes on 3 March when he came to the corporate office called Congress to lash out at the nuclear deal being negotiated with Ay-ran.  The deal would all ‘but guarantee’ Ay-ran will get the bomb, he warned the members. Bibi’s message was clear: there should be absolutely no nuclear country in the Middle East, of course except Israel. A nuclear Islamist Ay-ran would be more dangerous than a nuclear-armed Jewish State of Israel. In other words, Mullahs cannot handle Uranium-235 as easily as Zionist Rabbis can. Everyone in the audience clapped profusely, some members even angrily struck the wooden floor with their walking sticks as if it was Obama’s ass. On every sentence Bibi received a standing ovation and deafening handclapping. The US Congressmen had never before broken the sound systems in the hall so convincingly. Some commentators even said that if the White House was a man then the Congressmen had virtually sodomised it on March 3 and even federal courts could not prove the charges.

A highly placed source Edward Snowden (name changed) has informed that while the world media did talk about the political implications of Bibi’s speech, they, however, censored the more interesting story about its biological implications. Reportedly, too many Republican Congressmen were found visiting a Washington-based orthopedic for their sudden health complications. An MIT-based ‘self-hating Jew’ explains the biological implications thus:

If you read the transcript of Bibi’s speech, there are approximately 43 interjections of applause. The whole speech is about 43 minutes long. That means, on average, the Congressmen went hysterical after every one minute, (and we know Republican friends of pro-Bibi Ronald Lauder and the eighth richest man Sheldon Adelson toiled really hard for that) which had put intense pressure on their bodies, leading to severe joint pains. Later some of the Republicans were diagnosed with rare disease, which has damaged the political cartilages of their bodies. Medical experts believe that if the Congressmen continue sodomising the White House like this, there is likelihood that this dangerous disease will pass on to the next generation of American legislators which may create severe problems for the political health of the already ailing Empire. So much for the Bibi Syndrome!

Another interesting part that the media completely ignored was related to an alleged burglary in the Congress. Apparently, somebody had stolen a whole rim of A4 size papers from one of the offices in the Congress and just before the Homeland Security guys would give orders to strip the black employees, somebody pointed at Bibi Chutzpah who was reading his speech one sentence per page. Had Bibi stolen the rim of A4 paper? The question remained unsolved. And once again the American media censored the Bibigate scandal altogether.

“This was a serious issue”, said economist Robert Reich on his widely popular Facebook page, “and yet we Foxified this news also, because Republicans didn’t want to upset their corporate bosses like Adelson and co.”

Commenting on the issue a former White House official said, “a Prime Minister of a foreign nation comes to our country, steals from our office and then audaciously tell us straight on our faces that we are dumb in statecraft, and ironically our own legislators give a standing ovation to this humiliation”.

Although Bibi’s speech was not altogether bull, many intransigent left-wing detractors kept saying it was full of right-wing garbage. Whatever their viewpoint, my favorite quotable quote from the speech was this: “I deeply regret that some [people] perceived my being here as political. That wasnever my intention”.  This one surely deserves a place in the hall of fame of political jokes.

Now that the right-wing Likud party has won the Israeli election and Bibi is all set to invite far-right groups to form the next government, it seems Israeli establishment is stretching far too right to be able to do anything right [pun inevitable]. However, his racist statements during the Election Day have not gone well with the Obama administration.

A White House spokesperson released a statement in this regard: “We know Mr. Netanyahu sometimes gets carried away. The temperature in Jerusalem has that effect on people sometimes. But he should not have publically exhibited his true colours; such speeches and actions affect our [US] ability to manage things for Israel in the UN. But our commitment to Israel is as strong as ever and we will continue to support it even if heavens fall or US falls apart”.

In the meantime, India seems to be on a fast track to changing its governing model from Nehruvian Hindustan to Modian Banistan. Modi and co, who apparently detest every Mughlai tasting thing, like kebab and keema, have decided to curb the source of this taste nuisance and ban the beef market altogether. State after state ban is spreading throughout India pretty fast. First it was Maharashtra, now Haryana and Jharkhand have joined the fray.

“I think beef is an overrated thing”, said Haryana’s Health Minister in a recent press conference. “You know our state is famous for pahalwans, boxers and what not. But they are milk pahalwans not beef pahalwans. Do you know how Virender Sehwag smashed a triple century against those beef eating Pakistanis? Because Sehwag ki ma makes him drink milk every day, not beef”.

In order to fight the beef ban, many left liberals (and what right wing Bakhts call sickularits) tried to reason that Vedic Hindus also relished beef and even Manusmriti allows it. But Bakhts are Bakhts. Their love for poppycock is second to none and that is why their Bakhtistan reason is the caged bird.

“These beef references in our ancient scriptures were inserted by crafty Muslims and Angreez[British] to impure our Sanathan Dharm” says Mr. Batra, “We demand the Modi government to immediately purify our history of any impurities thereof. Cow is our mother and this should be taught in every school of India”.

Asked to comment on the beef ban issue in India scholar Wendy Doniger responded: “See, to be frank Mr. Batra still scares hell out of me. Lately I am seeing him in my dreams also and it is so creepy. If he says cow is his mother, then it must be so. I am not writing anything against it. Even if he claims dinosaur is his grandfather, I would say: ap se milkar badi khushi hoi [nice to meet you]”.

Meanwhile, in a newspaper interview Historian Ramachandra Hoo-Ha has said that the beef ban is a noble mission. He argues that the proliferation of videshi companies like McDonald’s and Burger King had affected swadeshi subaltern class like Vada Pav vendors and now that these neo-colonialist companies are rendered beef-less their customers will queue up at Vada Pav wallahs and boost the subaltern economy. Mr. Hoo-Ha believes that this move would have been very much supported by Gandhi himself were he not bumped off by ‘crazy guy’ Nathuram.

“We should give full credit to Mr. Modi”, said Mr. Hoo-Ha, “for reinvigorating Indian values among our youth. What Gandhi launched as Swadeshi movement, Modi is only taking it forward. I am currently writing a book about it titled  India after Modi”.

Asked about the effects of this ban on the Muslim subaltern class associated with the trade, Mr. Hoo-Ha said, “They can still sell their chicken biryani”.

Turning to Kashmir, it seems that the BJP-PDP “coalition of conviction” had a rough start when the Indian media created a big hullabaloo over the release of Masrat Alam, a Hurriyat leader associated with the Geelani faction.

Sajad Gani Lone was immediately dispatched to Delhi by CM Mufti Syed to sort out the issue.

“See Barkha”, he said in a conversation with Barkha in a cafe, “you people are making Masrat Alam into a hero. He is now more popular among the Kashmiris than Mufti Syed and me.”

“But wasn’t he the architect of the 2010 protests?” asked Barkha.

“No, no Barkha. See this is the problem”, he said in his nasal tone, “what architect! That is complete nonsense. He might have coined those Ragdo Ragdo slogans and all that. But protests were largely spontaneous and boys were killed in police firing.”

After taking a sip, he continues, narrowing his eyebrows, “But Barkha, you know all this already, don’t you? Oh! Of course you do. See … to whom am I telling all this, hahaha…” (both laugh).

He looks around and says: “You know far more people in Kashmir than I do [he winks]. But see the thing is you people should focus more on me, us, I mean mainstream guys. You should make me, I mean us more popular. Do you understand what I mean? [winks again]”.

“Don’t worry Sajad, I gotcha”. Barkha replies [winks back]. On the café’s television screen flashesThe Newshour.

“Look at that Arnob, he is a big pain in the ass”, said Sajad, “you know, if you measure on the political barometer, anti-India sentiment in Kashmir is directly proportional to Arnob’s crazy Newshourrants”.

“Yeah, he is a problem”, agrees Barkha, “But what to do?”

“It is easy. Just make him the Lok Sabha speaker and he will pass all the bills himself.”

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Published in Kindle Magazine on 02.05.2015: http://kindlemag.in/dysfunctional-diplomacy/