Tale of a Political Fugitive


If latest reports are to be believed, then it is no surprise to inform you that Jersey-cow-turned-political-fugitive Victor Yanukovich has been seen drinking Russian Vodka in a palatial Dacha (Villa) of Big Brother Putin somewhere on Black Sea coast. Intriguing indeed!
Chuvak (Russian for ‘dude’) is a term seldom employed by Big Brother Putin in his informal conversations, as it is reserved for his rarest of rare buddies, like that showpiece of Russian politics Vladimir Zhirinovsky. Mr. Zhirinovsky is famous for publicly, which is his default setting any ways, showering generous praises on American leaders, especially Condoleezza Rice. Once he even threatened President Bush by saying that Russia can alter the gravitational field of the planet to sink America. Now without vodka shot that is a big thing to imagine! Elsewhere he offered free vodka for men and better underwear for women in his prime ministerial race. Anyways, whenever Big Brother Putin feels bored of his burgeoning Gay fans or high adrenaline Caucasian games he often invites him to his Dacha to showcase his multiple talents, chief among them being riding a polar bear with dude Zhirinovsky as a pillion.
“Chuvak, hold on tight, else you will break your stupid Polish bum!” Big Brother has to repeat on every ride with vodka-mouthed Mr. Zhirinovsky.
Now let me come back to poor Yanukovich here. When he mysteriously arrived on Putin’s Dacha, Big Brother literally sprung up on his sofa on seeing him.
“What the heck are you doing here! Fella!” Putin’s eyes had opened wide in surprise. Momentarily he floated in air over his leather couch.
Poor Yanukovich was gasping for breath, he looked dejected, and protruding his mouth he cried “Kashmar, Kashmar (disaster), Cooo….cooo, Bolshoy brat, cooo!”
“What cooo…cooo!, what happened to you!”
“They tried to cooo me, Bolshoy brat, Kashmar, kashmar, cooo”
“Who the hell is this cooo? Filthy poking CIA, M15! Who? Would you tell me?” Putin looked with enquiring eyes at two KGB guys standing nearby.
Unsure, they looked at each other. Nodding their sunglasses mounted heads sideways, they shrugged and stood still.
“That boxer, that famous Gorilla, Bolshoy brat”
“Ah! Ha! That Goliath of a guy, what is his damn name….yes, yes I got it….Vitali Kalashnikov, right!”
“Klitschko, Sir” the nearby KGB guys corrected him.
“Yes whatever, Kalashnikov or Klitschko, it doesn’t matter. Even the name of his party is violent, what is it called?”
“Udar, Sir”. KGB guys informed.
Yanukovich now recounted his story to the Big Brother. He told him that he had called KGB to get him out of the mess and they smuggled him out of Kiev in a Soviet era four-wheeler called Zaporozhets or ZAZ 965. (Better half of India’s Ambassador Car)
KGB told the President that Zaporozhets was used because no one could suspect it for any clandestine use and besides only in Zaporozhets’ spacious trunk could portly Yanukovich fit in.
After Yanukovich made his Bolshoy brat (big brother) understand the reasons of his escape, the President decided to impart some Judo skills to him to make him ready for a comeback to his country.
“Look Chuvak, if you want to fight that Gorilla, learn how to hit him in the right place, ok”
“Got it, Bolshoy brat”
“Apart from Judo I will teach you how to tame a polar bear, you got to tame lot of Gorillas out there, right, Chuvak?”
“Got it, Bolshoy brat”
“And you got to be fit. You will be served special Lincolnshire beef cooked on special Gazprom fuel for four times a day and Lincolnshire sausage and Lincolnshire beer and Lincolnshire milkshake also prepared with Gazprom fuel”
Yanukovich was baffled. “I have taste of Gazprom but why everything Lincolnshire, Bolshoy brat!”
“That is the problem with you, eastern guys. Our efficient scientists – our own Russian scientists – already proved that Lincolnshire food stimulates geostrategic thinking. Remember that old British guy Mackinder he was born there, wasn’t he?”
“And this time when you get hold of that old blond, what is her name, ah Yulia Tymoshenko, send her to our Siberian jail. I am sure frozen Olympian braid will look much prettier on her”
“Sure, Bolshoy brat”
“And besides, get rid of those smartphones immediately, you cannot trust poking nose of Washington nincompoops. And always keep a watch on Kerry’s Brussels honeymoon, got it!”
“Bolshoy brat, you are a genius!” Though, Putinian metaphors seemed to him tad heavy to grasp.
But Yanukovcih was convinced and now according to sources, he has already started to follow Big Brother’s dietary prescription called Heartland Diet. He is yet to learn the bear taming techniques but he regularly takes Judo lessons to have a smack down with the Gorilla Klitschko. Reportedly, he will begin his encounter in favorable Crimea ring first.

Published in Greater Kashmir (March 1, 2014)



Author: pasdarekashmir

A PhD candidate of Politics and International Relations in School of Law and Government, Dublin City University. Research interests: national movements, nationalism, media, framing, and discourses. Regular column: Yours Satirically (Kindle Magazine)

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